Chow
by Jomatto
Summary: Sometimes, the universe takes a massive dump in your cereal bowl.


**Chow **

Sora couldn't see much.

Granted, he could see a teensy bit of the outside world once the top rolled off, but it was mostly the dark silhouette of tumbling refuse—not that he needed to see anything to know where he was, the smell was doing a perfectly fine job of that—he was stuck inside a rolling garbage can. It was a noisy ride, if a bit painful.

It had to be a conspiracy. It couldn't have been a coincidence that the trashcan was in the perfect position for him to fall in after he got knocked back from a collision with another student at school. There was no reason for a trashcan to be placed at the edge of a steep incline otherwise.

The ride was cut short when he clanged against a solid brick wall. His face lurched forward from the impact and he mistakenly swallowed a piece of banana. He crawled out, pounding his stomach to force it out to no avail. It was too late. He had eaten a garbage banana. Eww.

He stood up as bits of discarded food and rubbish clung to his spiky hair. Shaking it off, he looked up towards the hill where Destiny High lay. Just another morning before school.

"Freakin' son of a—piece of motherfu—GODDAMMIT!"

"Just what is going on over here?" a voice questioned.

Sora spun around to see an approaching officer. Judging from the size of his belly, he might've eaten one too many donuts. He wondered if the officer rolled down the hill himself. "Nothing, sir."

"Now look here, I'm Officer Pete, and I don't like what I heard just now." Pete crossed his arms in disapproval. "Son, you're gonna have to pay the fine."

"What fine?" Pete pointed to a shoddily made paper sign taped to the brick wall that said, "Swearing Fine: $20." That was bad; Sora didn't have twenty dollars. "Come on, officer, this isn't even a real sign!"

"Are you saying I can't read, boy? I'll have you know that I am 100% literated and I don't like the implicitation you're makin'. If it's on a sign that means it's the law." If that was the case, then he'd just have to unmake the law. Sora made a move to tear the sign off. "What in the seven hells do you think you're doin'? That's defacement of public propriety!"

"Are you kidding me, officer? This isn't official. It's made out of paper!"

"You know what else is made out of paper? My citations. I'm writing you up, boy."

"Hold up." Sora opened up his backpack, took out a notebook, tore off a sheet of paper, scrawled on it, and taped it to the wall. It was a sign that said "Swearing Fine abolished."

Officer Pete looked at the two signs in shock. His mind couldn't comprehend how two contradictory messages could come to be. It was impossible for these laws to co-exist. He sweated profusely, beads rolling down his thick rolled up neck. What was he supposed to do now? There were two signs but—how could they—no, that's not— "AAARGGGHH!" Pete ran forward and tore down Sora's sign. "You're paying the fine and that's that!"

Drats. And it almost worked too. Time to shift gears and maintain innocence then. "I didn't swear, officer. I swear!"

"Nonsense, I heard you perfectly clear."

"Technically, I didn't swear; I cut it off before I said anything profane."

"But you were gonna say it."

"You can't prove that."

"There was a sufficient amount of lead up to conclude that you were, in fact, about to swear." Pete smiled smugly at his brilliant deduction.

"That's circumstantial at best. Besides, there's no fine for attempted swearing."

Officer Pete did not appreciate being outsmarted. "Okay, so maybe you didn't swear the hard stuff, but I'm pretty sure I heard you take the lord's name in vain."

"No, I didn't" —he did— "I said: God, dam it! Dam these eyes and stop these tears!"

"I see no tears!"

"Praise to you, lord, for damming my eyes! You see? It totally works."

"Why would you even cry?" Pete asked suspiciously.

Sora pointed to the garbage can. "I was rolling down the hill in this thing. See my clothes? They're filthy! That would make anybody cry."

"Kids shouldn't be playing in the trash. What's wrong with them nowadays?"

"I wasn't playing—it was a trap, I'll tell you. A trap!"

"Wait just a moment." The officer leaned in and read a tiny label on the trashcan. "This is school property! I'm afraid I'm gonna have to fine you for that too!"

Sora sighed and fell to his knees. "Can't you just let me off with a warning? I'm begging you! I'm gonna be late for school."

"Fine. But the next time I see you like this, you're gonna pay!"

"Completely understood, officer." Sora ran up the hill until he was a safe distance away. "Screw you, pig!"

"What was that?!" Pete attempted to give chase but gravity was stronger. Gasping for dear life after just five steps, Pete could only stare at the boy's retreating back. "Damn that kid. I'll get him next time!"

Sora arrived in the school courtyard, breathing heavily from dashing so hard. He rested on a bench and waited patiently for the bell to ring. A girl with heavy makeup and blonde hair plopped down beside him and pulled out a cigarette.

"Tch." Sora snubbed his nose at her.

"You gotta problem with me?"

"Not really. It's your cigarette."

"Don't tell me you've been brainwashed by those anti-tobacco commercials. Look, there's nothing wrong with smoking. It's a perfectly valid life-style choice."

Sora dragged his shirt up to cover his nose and mouth. "I think you've been brainwashed by the nicotine in your cancer sticks. Look, it's been scientifically proven that smoking causes lung cancer. It's fine if you wanna kill yourself slowly over the course of several decades, but that secondhand smoke is something I want no part of."

"Whatever. Life's short. Might as well enjoy it."

"I don't care if you smoke, just don't do it near me."

"Look, I don't judge you. Why are you judging me based on my smoking habits? You don't see me saying how you smell like garbage and how your fashion sense is completely tacky and how embarrassing it is for me to sit next to a loser like you."

"Tacky? This is the school uniform! Besides, smoking is against the rules! Can't you see that sign that says 'No Smoking?!'"

"I smell cigarettes—who's smoking!" a teacher yelled on arrival.

Hot ash hit Sora's cheek. "Ow!"

"He is, sir. He has absolutely no regard for the health of those around him."

"Why you… You're coming with me to the principal's office!"

"Hey! I've been framed!" His protests fell on deaf ears. He soon found himself in a plain office. The principal did not look pleased. He was a gruff man infamous for his temper tantrums.

"Sora, were you really dumb enough to smoke on my campus?"

"Principal Cid, it's not like that. It wasn't me, okay? I was fram—"

"You shut your G'D'd mouth! No use lying. I can smell the smoke on your clothes. It's—it's—what the F'n tarnation is wrong with you? You know why the students aren't allowed to smoke? It's because I'm not allowed to smoke! The G'D'ed B of a wife wants me to stop, but when I got little S's like you sittin' around smoking up a storm and I have to hold it in with this S-A nicotine patch, it makes me wanna choke a B!"

Sora's mouth was agape in confusion. "I apologize, sir, but I have no idea what you're trying to say."

"Shut the F up. The wife doesn't want me to swear either. That's why I've been talking like a G'D'd retard. F'n piece of S all over this G'D'd, place. I can't stand it! What's next? No more meat? F my blood pressure, F my cholesterol levels—if I want F'n steak, then I'm gonna eat my F'n steak, you hear me, a-holes? Next thing you know, I won't even be allowed to drive. F'n ridiculous." Cid opened up a drawer and pulled out a can of citrus air freshener. "S, S, S, S! My whole office smells like smoke now. If the wife comes in right now, it'll be my A, you hear me?" He sprayed the air liberally and near emptied the can. "I'm giving you detention. Now go to class before you're tardy."

Sora looked at the clock on the wall. "I'm already tardy!"

"Again, Sora? That's the fourth one this week. That's it, another detention for you!"

"But you're the reason I'm late!"

"No excuses." He slammed the air freshener against the desk. "Now get the F out of my office you piece of S!"

Sora moped out and bumped into someone. It was the girl who framed him. "What do you want now?"

"I just wanted to thank you for taking the fall. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."

"What? I didn't take the fall for you. You framed me!"

"The name's Larxene. Wanna make out?"

"NO!" Sora shoved her away and ran to first period as quickly as possible.

Today was not going well. Fortunately, Sora could it put it behind him during nutrition break, when he met up with his best friend, Kairi. She was his one true love and the light of his life. She was the only reason he could endure the grievous injustices that assailed him daily. One glimpse at that beautiful redhead was enough to cure what ailed the soul.

"Hey Sora, do you think you can help me?" she asked.

"Always!" This was a chance to prove how much of a good guy he was.

She squealed in delight. "Great! Then can you find out what Riku thinks of me?"

"Why do you wanna know that?"

"Because I'm thinking of asking him out!"

"Wait a sec, why him?"

"Why? Because he's sorta like you, except he's cooler, more handsome, taller, more athletic, smarter, stronger, and did I say cooler? Oh, and I also heard he's a got a huge di—hey, are you okay? You look sick."

His face was pale. That was too much damage in a single sentence. Have mercy on the poor fellow. "Why don't you do it yourself?"

"Kyaa! I can't do that. That's too embarrassing."

He fell to his knees, clutching his stomach. "How cruel this world…"

She ignored his antics. "It's no problem, right? _Riiight_?"

He stood up straight and adopted his coolest pose. "Kairi, what exactly do you think of me?"

"Is this like a test run? Hmmm, let's see. You're my **best friend**, but that's all you can** ever be**. We're tied to the hip, like **siblings**, I can only you see as a **brother**. I would say the possibility of romance between us is **zero percent!**"

"Zero percent?!" Sora flew backwards, blood spouting from his mouth. He might be dead this time. Can we get a RE-VIVE? Hallelujah! He was up again. "Was that last line really necessary?"

She patted him on the head. "Sorry Sora, but I already said no to your proposal ten years ago."

"We were five at the time!"

"And even then, I knew I could do much better than you. Don't worry! Somebody will come along and set their eyes on Riku, but since I'll have him by then, they'll just have to settle for you."

His status was downgraded? He couldn't take this anymore. He ran away in tears. "GODDAMMIT!"

Alas, the hits continued to come when he found himself trapped in detention after school. He stared longingly outside the window. It was a sunny day, but his brain mentally imposed dark storm clouds over the skies. Reality was cruel, oppressive, and unfair.

"Psst." Sora turned to the boy sitting next to him. He was a pale blonde. "What are in you in for?"

"Smoking, but I was framed."

"Smoking, huh? Way to shove it in the principal's face. I dig that. That's really respectable."

"Uh… I wasn't smoking. I was framed."

"No, man. It's cool. You don't have to pretend in front of me. We're all in the same boat here. I'm Hayner. Nice to meet you." He stuck out his hand. Sora shook it reluctantly. "I've been looking for people, you dig? People like you, people who are not willing to stand for this establishment filled with rules and regulations. We need to fight against the power."

"Sorry, Hayner, but I'm not supposed to be here, so I'd like to pass detention in peace."

"That's what I'm talking about, man! None of us are supposed to be here, but here we are. Did we have a say? No. You know why? Because the top dogs are abusing their powers to keep us down. Unless we're willing to stand up, we'll never gonna make it."

"Hayner…" Sora sighed in exasperation. "What are you in here for?"

"It's because I refused to conform. I need my freedom. I demand absolute comfort, but I wasn't allowed to dress the way I wanted to because these people are too close-minded."

"Um, is that why you're wearing sweatpants?" They certainly weren't part of the uniform.

"Nah. I was forced into this. Is it wrong of me to want to go to school without pants? A world in which I can't go around without pants is a world in need of desperate change."

"You went to school…without pants."

"And underwear."

Sora pushed his chair away from the boy. "Then you're telling me that only thing that's separating us is that thin layer of fabric?"

"Damn straight."

"You ever considered that people don't want to see your…you know?"

Hayner grinned, shrugging it off. "You gotta let loose, man. You can't worry about the small stuff. Embarrassment is just an illusion enforced by society to prevent us from truly expressing ourselves. It's in their best interests that we all become automatons. I ain't gonna be like that. I'm making my stand, right here, right now!" Hayner climbed on his desk, stood up proud, and set his hands on his waistband. "I WILL BE FREE! NO LONGER SHACKLED AND BOUND BY SOCIETY'S RESTRICTIONS. THIS IS MY ANSWER!" He pulled off his pants and the class roared in approval. They joined in on his chanting. "REVOLUTION. REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!"

After detention ended, Sora went on a depressing walk through town. Lovey dovey couples surrounded him. Not only was he reminded of his single status, they openly made fun of him.

"Hey, look at that guy. He's all alone, isn't he?"

"What a loser."

"If I really hated someone, I'd tell him to become _that guy_."

"BWHAHAHAHA!"

Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Hadn't he suffered enough? He ignored their mockery and sank deeper in depression. His eyes were focused on the ground when he saw feet. He looked up and saw the most beautiful, elegant, and massive set of boobs he ever laid eyes on. There was a nametag attached: Tifa.

"You there." He looked up at her face and warm brown eyes stared back. "Have you ever felt like the lowest of the low, lesser than the scum of the earth, and dirtier than the buildup between the soles of a sewer worker's boots?"

"Uh…maybe."

"Have you ever been rolled down a hill in a garbage can, framed for smoking and sent to the principal's office, only to get more detention by being late to class?"

"Yeah, actually…"

"Ever narrowly avoided being hit in the face by another kid's dick?"

"Don't remind me."

"Ever been humiliated as you walk down the street and couples throw insults at you?"

"How'd you—"

"Ever been rejected by the one girl you love but you totally got friendzoned 100% and there's virtually no hope because there's another guy that's pretty much better than you in every respect?"

"YES!"

"Then you need to come inside and have a drink at Seventh Heaven, guaranteed to cure what ails the heart. One drink and you'll forget all your troubles."

Was this it? The salvation he was looking for? "I'm in!"

"Come this way—" Tifa suddenly stopped. "Wait. How old are you?"

"I'm sixteen."

"Sorry. I can't let you in. It's against the law."

Sora fell to his knees and looked at the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Tifa watched him sympathetically. "You've really had it rough, huh? Would it make you feel better if you touched my boobs?"

"Maybe..." Her offer finally registered. "I mean, seriously?"

"Go head. And just so you know, I'm not wearing a bra."

"No, no, no—wait. Seriously?" Could this be the greatest moment of his life? Was this redemption for all the crap he had to put up with? There was a god, and he was great, and generous. Sora took back all his swears. Praise to you! He moved his two open palms agonizingly closer to her chest until a voice snapped him out of it.

"Sora?"

His head spun around. "Kairi?"

She looked like she was about to cry. "Stupid Sora!" She ran away.

"W-wait!"

Tifa grabbed his shoulder. "What are you waiting for? Run after her, you dolt."

He nodded dumbly and sprinted off. A million thoughts ran through his head. Nothing was making sense. Why was she running? Why did it look like she was hurt? Something was going on and he was determined to find out. After running all over town, he finally caught up with her at the beach. Fatigue set in, and they collapsed in the sand.

"Kairi…" He breathed heavily. "Why are you running? What's wrong?"

"Are you really asking me that? It's because you were about to touch another woman's boobs!"

And it would've been TOTALLY awesome if she hadn't come along and interrupted. "But why would that upset you so much?"

"Isn't it obvious? It's because I like you, you idiot."

"WHAT?" Sora shot up incredulously. "Then why were you friendzoning me earlier?"

"I was trying to motivate you! Selphie said I should offer up a competitor that would force your hand, you know? Isn't that how this works?"

"No! That's not how it works. You're supposed to go up to the person you like and say 'I LIKE YOU.'"

"Then why didn't you ever do that?" she asked meekly.

"It's because—it's because… I'm stupid, okay? But it's not like I wasn't trying. I mean, I tried to show off my good side all those times I helped you out."

"That's what _that_ was? I thought you were trying to friendzone me! I mean, yeah, you were being nice and all, but you never made a move—like, a grown man move. You're supposed to grab me and kiss me and run your hands all over my hair and say that you've wanted me for the longest time, not help me carry stuff in class and lend me your textbooks! How am I supposed to know? I'm not psychic."

"I'm not psychic either! What about all that stuff about zero percent and everything? That killed me, you know!"

"It was motivation! Besides... Selphie told me to say that. Nothing else was working, so..."

"Selphie this, Selphie that. If she told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?"

"Stop being dense. I shouldn't have to do any of this in the first place. You should already know these things."

"How am I'm supposed to know what you're thinking?"

"By asking me, you moron!"

"Then I'm asking you right now: what you do you want from me?!"

"To shut up and kiss me!"

"FINE!"

And they kissed.

Kairi quickly pushed him off though. "Ugh. You taste like garbage."

It wasn't the ideal first kiss, but their hearts were beating fast and their bodies were bubbling with excitement.

He scratched his head in embarrassment. "I've had a rough day. Let's continue after I've taken a shower and brushed my teeth."

"Sure. But swear to me, Sora…"

"Swear to you what?"

"Don't touch anyone else's boobs but mine."

He smiled. "I swear."

"You kids over there! You're in trouble!"

Sora turned to the offending voice. "Oh man. Not him again."

"An officer? What's his problem?"

Sora found it. It was a sign that said, "No kissing on the beach." For the first time, he was happy to break the rules.

He grabbed her hand. "Come on, let's get out of here!"

"Where are we going?"

"To break some more rules!"

And like that, the two love-sick fools ran off into the sunset, and by sunset, I mean back home where Sora could take a shower and Kairi could gargle some mouthwash and prepare for an epic make out session that would never happen because his mom came home earlier than expected and interrupted them and then they had to listen to the most awkward lecture about safe sex and advanced bedroom techniques to make their first time that much more special even though they weren't even thinking that far ahead yet, but it never hurt to be prepared. Wouldn't want to accidentally make a baby now, would we? Possible teen pregnancies aside, they lived happily ever after—at least for the length of high school.

After that, who knows?

**The End**

* * *

**AN: This is an old story I wrote years ago. It was actually a lot more bare bones than what you see now. I decided to refresh it and added new scenes to flesh it out. Even in its original outline form, I thought it was funny. The story is called "Chow" because I originally wrote this in emulation of Stephen Chow's brand of comedy, which involves a bit of slapstick, wordplay, and unreasonable situations. I hope you enjoyed it. If not, then I am an absolute and utter failure. Thanks for reading!**


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